Personalized choice is one of the reigning gods of our age in the United States today. It used to be something of a novelty for Burger King to advertise that at their restaurants you could, “have it your way”, but convenience and personally catered options are considered a requirement rather than a luxury for most Americans. An article run in the March 19, 2006 edition of the New York Times Magazine provides a warning sign that our propensity for having life tailored to our consumer tastes may be reaching into our decisions regarding the circumstances under which we bring a child into the world. In her article entitled “Wanted: A Few Good Sperm”, writer Jennifer Egan explores the expanding world of intentional single motherhood in which the absence of a father may not only be acceptable but preferable. Egan follows the lives of several single women who have either already had children through the assistance of reproductive technologies or who are currently attempting to do so. Although the women’s stories vary in numerous details, they share one thing in common: none have had physical relations with the father of their child(ren).
Many of the women that Egan interviews participate in a group called Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). The group has seen a marked increase in both its membership and its acceptance throughout the world. SMC’s growth is reflective of a wave of increasingly younger and more financially secure women who desire to have children but are leery of the attachments and risks inherent in marriage. Egan writes:
Between 1999 and 2003 there was an almost 17 percent jump in the number of babies born to unmarried women between ages 30 and 44 in America, according to the National Center for Human Statistics, while the number born to unmarried women between 15 and 24 actually decreased by nearly 6 percent. Single Mothers by Choice, a 25-year-old support group, took in nearly double the number of new members in 2005 as it did 10 years ago, and its roughly 4,000 current members include women in Israel, Australia and Switzerland. The California Cryobank, the largest sperm bank in the country, owed a third of its business to single women in 2005, shipping them 9,600 vials of sperm, each good for one insemination.
Behind these statistics is the reality that the social consensus concerning what is necessary to produce and rear children is under tremendous strain. Those who have advocated for homosexual adoption have long argued that there is no unique contribution that a man makes toward the development of a child in the home. Some SMC members are extending this reasoning even further to argue that a man’s presence may not even be necessary in the production of the child. A little genetic material is all that is required. Sadly this reasoning seems to be resonating with a growing segment of our society. Egan notes this shift in her interview with Jane Mattes, the 62 year old founder of Single Mothers by Choice:
In the 25 years since she founded Single Mothers by Choice … [she] has seen her group's membership conceiving at younger ages … and more often having second children. But the biggest change, Mattes says, is that the stigma attached to this form of single motherhood has largely faded. "People used to come into our meetings literally afraid to walk in," she told me. "We don't see that as much anymore. Everyone seems to know somebody who did it, which wasn't the case even 10 years ago."
Part of the explanation for this growth is our culture’s fascination with having life on our own terms. Marital commitment requires sacrifice, compromise, and limits on personal autonomy which require men and women to be discerning and thoughtful about their choice of a husband or wife. People’s aversion the sacrifices necessary to make marriage work and their anxiety concerning their ability to find someone suitable for those sacrifices have made picking out a “donor-dad” seem simple and pain free in comparison. Egan points out that the internet has simplified the process of finding a donor to the point where it “is not much different from buying shoes.” This has given donor searches a decidedly consumer feel where people talk about their potential children and their fathers as though they were picking out a pet. Daniela is a good example of this as Egan relates:
She was also attracted by the idea of a donor of another race. “I believe in multiculturalism,” she said. “I would probably choose somebody with a darker skin color so I don’t have to slather sunblock on my kid all the time. I want it to be a healthy mix. You know how mixed dogs are always the nicest and the friendliest and the healthiest? If you get a clear race, they have all the problems. Mutts are always the friendly ones, the intelligent ones, the ones who don’t bark and have a good character. I want a mutt.”
The casual tone of statements like these seems disturbingly out of touch with the sacred realities surrounding the creation and birth of a child. In fact, they reveal a mindset that is profoundly self-focused. Some SMC mothers are seeking a radical emancipation from males that they believe empowers them to seek what they really want in life without having to concern themselves with the demands of a committed relationship with a man. One of the women interviewed by Egan expressed her feelings this way:
One of the things that was so powerful about deciding to have a baby on my own was saying, I’m taking charge of this piece of it; I’m not going to wait around for a guy to give it to me. And my feelings about what I want from men right now are really changed. I don’t actually want a big relationship. Now I just want occasional companionship and [fun].
This is indeed a regrettable exchange. Parenthood as an awesome participation with God in the origin of another life is exchanged for seeing it as another avenue to take control of one’s own life. Children, who are intended to inspire thankfulness in the hearts of their parents, are instead approached as a consumer choice. As believers we must have a compelling alternative to this increasingly popular worldview. Psalm 127 tells us that, “Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” [v.1 (NIV)] It is plain that God is not talking about buildings in this passage but about families and communities, because He goes on to say, “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.” [v.3 (NAS)] In our families, outsiders must see mothers and fathers who are submitted to the will of God for their lives rather than constantly trying to bend the world to conform to their wishes. They must see in us people who sincerely believe that our lives are not our own and that, in a fundamental way, our present and future children are not our own. We are stewards of our children rather than shoppers for them. The world must understand that we believe that our children belonged to God long before they ever belonged to us, and so He has the right to tell us how they are to be brought into the world.
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19 August 2008
05 August 2008
Gender Confusion (Part 2) – How We Know Who We Are
What do you do if your eleven year old son tells you confidently that he is actually a girl and wants to be given a new name and be allowed to wear feminine clothing? On the National Public Radio (NPR) program All Things Considered (aired May 8th, 2008), reporter Alix Spiegel tells the story of a family in just such a situation. She reports on how parents Danielle and Robert have “come to accept” their son’s identity and also how they are looking to modern medical science for help in reinforcing this new identity. The help that they have found is truly shocking.
Danielle and Robert were confronted early with their son’s (born Armand; now called Violet) fondness for feminine clothing and his desire to be identified as a girl. Danielle and Robert were uncomfortable with Armand’s insistence, but he became explosive and angry if they did not allow him to “express who he really was”. Robert recalls, “… looking at each other, going what is happening? Why is this child so unhappy? What have we done?” Armand even threatened to do himself harm if he wasn’t allowed to live as a female. As Danielle relates, his insistence finally overcame their reservations:
“You know, to hear your child say, you know, I don’t want to be on this earth anymore unless I can be who I am and you see the desperation in her face … we have seen his desperation, and this child just, why can’t I be this way? Why, you know, why can’t you accept me? Why can’t people see me for who I am? I mean, it just became very real for us, how this child was screaming out and saying, hey, you know, listen to me. This is who I am. And I need to be me.”
Armand's difficulty in accepting his gender is an extreme demonstration of the effects of sin on our nature as humans and our ability to know who and what we are. This is tragic because Armand and his family were not inclined to seek the counsel of the One who really knows who and what we are. How do any of us truly know ourselves apart from a relationship with the God of whom David wrote, “O LORD, you have searched me and you know me … you perceive my thoughts from afar … you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD … you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” (Ps. 139:1-6 [NIV]) Instead of seeking to understand their son and his struggle through the lens of biblical truth, Armand’s parents were led by a psychologist to understand that he was in truth a girl and that their best course of action was to accept it.
This is precisely what they have done. They say that acceptance of their son’s new gender has brought “a liberating clarity” to their home. Robert tells his extended family that, “I did have a son, but I found out that I really never did have a son. What I have is two daughters. Armand is transgender, and what that means is that, even though he has a male body, she’s really a girl. And her name is Violet.” He goes on to reason that everyone else makes a discovery similar to Armand with the only difference being that, “It just happened that their gender identity and their anatomy matched.” In other words, your biological gender is not an expression of God’s created design for you; it is an accident of happenstance. God’s design is subordinated to a person’s desires in determining what is really real. This way of understanding the world has placed Armand, a boy on the verge of puberty, in the awkward position of being in a “near impossible fight … against [his] own body.” His older sister Melina describes the situation this way:
“You know she’s getting hair in some places and stuff, and you know, she just feels – every day she says that she feels a little bit more manly, which is really hard for her because just waking up, for her, that’s a big shock. So, she said that she doesn’t like taking the shower. She hates undressing. She hates going to the pool.”
This situtation had Armand’s father asking the question, “How do we help this child … develop in a way that is consistent with who she is?” He believes that he has found the answer in Dr. Norman Spack an endocrinologist at Children’s Hospital in Boston.
Dr. Spack’s solution is to give Armand monthly injections of hormone blockers that will prevent his body from producing testosterone. According to Spiegel, “For the next three or four years, while she is on this medication, her body will grow bigger, but not mature sexually.” This is shocking enough, but Dr. Spack’s treatment goes even further. Again Spiegel:
“So, that’s the first stage of treatment, but there’s another stage … Once children have postponed puberty for several years, at around the age 16, they can choose to begin maturing sexually into the opposite gender, the gender that they want to become. To do that, they begin taking the hormones of the opposite sex. [Dr.] Spack said this treatment can help make a transgender male almost indistinguishable from a biological male.”
In Dr. Spack’s mind, this is a monumental leap forward because it will allow misidentified people to blossom into their true selves without the anxiety of living in a body that they do not want. He says that in doing this kind of work, “You start to realize what’s really important in this world … and I don’t think there’s anything as [important as] who you are.” The Christian faith has always placed premium on men and women knowing themselves truly, but as John Calvin observed, true knowledge of who we are is intimately linked with knowing who God is. He writes, “Our wisdom, in so far as it ought to be deemed true and solid Wisdom, consists almost entirely of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves. But as these are connected together by many ties, it is not easy to determine which of the two precedes and gives birth to the other.” (Institutes 1:1) When our quest for self-knowledge is cut free from our quest for the living God then we, like Armand, can be led into many previously unthinkable scenarios. Let us remember Isaiah's dire description of the people of his country who had ignored God’s truth for their lives, “They do not perceive the Lord’s actions, and they do not see the work of His hands. Therefore My people go into exile because they lack knowledge …” (5:12-13 [HCS]) The knowledge people lack is often true knowledge of themselves in light of God’s truth. May we be people who perceive the actions of God and see the work of His hands and who help our children to see them as well.
You can listen to the All Things Considered report here:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90273278
Danielle and Robert were confronted early with their son’s (born Armand; now called Violet) fondness for feminine clothing and his desire to be identified as a girl. Danielle and Robert were uncomfortable with Armand’s insistence, but he became explosive and angry if they did not allow him to “express who he really was”. Robert recalls, “… looking at each other, going what is happening? Why is this child so unhappy? What have we done?” Armand even threatened to do himself harm if he wasn’t allowed to live as a female. As Danielle relates, his insistence finally overcame their reservations:
“You know, to hear your child say, you know, I don’t want to be on this earth anymore unless I can be who I am and you see the desperation in her face … we have seen his desperation, and this child just, why can’t I be this way? Why, you know, why can’t you accept me? Why can’t people see me for who I am? I mean, it just became very real for us, how this child was screaming out and saying, hey, you know, listen to me. This is who I am. And I need to be me.”
Armand's difficulty in accepting his gender is an extreme demonstration of the effects of sin on our nature as humans and our ability to know who and what we are. This is tragic because Armand and his family were not inclined to seek the counsel of the One who really knows who and what we are. How do any of us truly know ourselves apart from a relationship with the God of whom David wrote, “O LORD, you have searched me and you know me … you perceive my thoughts from afar … you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD … you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” (Ps. 139:1-6 [NIV]) Instead of seeking to understand their son and his struggle through the lens of biblical truth, Armand’s parents were led by a psychologist to understand that he was in truth a girl and that their best course of action was to accept it.
This is precisely what they have done. They say that acceptance of their son’s new gender has brought “a liberating clarity” to their home. Robert tells his extended family that, “I did have a son, but I found out that I really never did have a son. What I have is two daughters. Armand is transgender, and what that means is that, even though he has a male body, she’s really a girl. And her name is Violet.” He goes on to reason that everyone else makes a discovery similar to Armand with the only difference being that, “It just happened that their gender identity and their anatomy matched.” In other words, your biological gender is not an expression of God’s created design for you; it is an accident of happenstance. God’s design is subordinated to a person’s desires in determining what is really real. This way of understanding the world has placed Armand, a boy on the verge of puberty, in the awkward position of being in a “near impossible fight … against [his] own body.” His older sister Melina describes the situation this way:
“You know she’s getting hair in some places and stuff, and you know, she just feels – every day she says that she feels a little bit more manly, which is really hard for her because just waking up, for her, that’s a big shock. So, she said that she doesn’t like taking the shower. She hates undressing. She hates going to the pool.”
This situtation had Armand’s father asking the question, “How do we help this child … develop in a way that is consistent with who she is?” He believes that he has found the answer in Dr. Norman Spack an endocrinologist at Children’s Hospital in Boston.
Dr. Spack’s solution is to give Armand monthly injections of hormone blockers that will prevent his body from producing testosterone. According to Spiegel, “For the next three or four years, while she is on this medication, her body will grow bigger, but not mature sexually.” This is shocking enough, but Dr. Spack’s treatment goes even further. Again Spiegel:
“So, that’s the first stage of treatment, but there’s another stage … Once children have postponed puberty for several years, at around the age 16, they can choose to begin maturing sexually into the opposite gender, the gender that they want to become. To do that, they begin taking the hormones of the opposite sex. [Dr.] Spack said this treatment can help make a transgender male almost indistinguishable from a biological male.”
In Dr. Spack’s mind, this is a monumental leap forward because it will allow misidentified people to blossom into their true selves without the anxiety of living in a body that they do not want. He says that in doing this kind of work, “You start to realize what’s really important in this world … and I don’t think there’s anything as [important as] who you are.” The Christian faith has always placed premium on men and women knowing themselves truly, but as John Calvin observed, true knowledge of who we are is intimately linked with knowing who God is. He writes, “Our wisdom, in so far as it ought to be deemed true and solid Wisdom, consists almost entirely of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves. But as these are connected together by many ties, it is not easy to determine which of the two precedes and gives birth to the other.” (Institutes 1:1) When our quest for self-knowledge is cut free from our quest for the living God then we, like Armand, can be led into many previously unthinkable scenarios. Let us remember Isaiah's dire description of the people of his country who had ignored God’s truth for their lives, “They do not perceive the Lord’s actions, and they do not see the work of His hands. Therefore My people go into exile because they lack knowledge …” (5:12-13 [HCS]) The knowledge people lack is often true knowledge of themselves in light of God’s truth. May we be people who perceive the actions of God and see the work of His hands and who help our children to see them as well.
You can listen to the All Things Considered report here:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90273278
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